The Day You Went Away Read online

  Copyright 2019 Jennifer Hebbard

  All Rights Reserved

  This book, or parts thereof may not be reproduced without express permission of the author.

  ISBN-

  Heartfelt thanks to my Beta readers Jeannie Guttenberg and Dolora Sparkman for all of your assistance and support.

  For Alicia

  THE DAY YOU WENT AWAY

  JENNIFER HEBBARD

  PROLOGUE

  I never saw the car. Until it was too late of course. It was red, fire engine red. How did I not see the car? I heard the brakes though. That awful screeching sound still wakes me up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Every single night since the accident I hear the awful screeching of the brakes of that fire engine red car. That red car that took the life of my nine-year-old son Blake. Blake with his sparkling hazel eyes, his thirst for knowledge and hunger for adventure. All that life snuffed out in a mere instant and I never saw the car.

  CHAPTER ONE

  KANE

  10 months after the accident

  Twisted metal, thunderous noise. That screeching sound that made my blood turn to ice. Was that…fire? No. Red. The red of the car, the noise of the crash and under all of it a lone boy sized Nike sneaker. It was white with the black swish logo. I remember when Eden and I had bought him those shoes. “Please mom? Please Mommy?” Blake had pleaded with a smile that said he knew he would get what he wanted in the end. “I don’t know” I teased him.” They are kind of pricey.” Eden looked at me and then Blake and said. “Well Kane, I mean he has done everything we have asked of him and he is getting straight A’s in school now. Maybe we could swing it. Just this once.” My wife winked at me and I melted on the spot. All Eden had to do was look at me in that way that she reserved just for us and I would gladly grant her every wish. I grabbed my wife’s hand and placed a gentle kiss on her knuckles and looked at our son who was blushing adorably. “Well go on. See if they have your size.” Blake did a little dance and pumped his fist. “YES!” he exclaimed as he ran across the store to the sales associate. “WALK!” Eden yelled after him. He had been so happy. Eden and I had been too. At that moment we lived as if tragedy could never touch us. Now that white Nike shoe looked so alone there under the spinning tire of the overturned car. BLAKE! I screamed his name in my dream and whispered it in my sleep. I woke as I did every morning, long before my alarm went off and with my pillow soaked in tears. I reached for Eden and found her side of our bed empty and cold. That wasn’t unusual either anymore. I didn’t have to wonder where she was. I knew I would find her asleep in Blake’s bed. Her tear stained face on his pillow, clutching his love worn teddy bear hard to her chest. My heart shattered at the sight of it as it did every morning. The sadness and grief in our house was so heavy that it felt like a physical weight pushing us slowly into the Earth. I pulled myself out of our bed and ran my hand over my face wiping away the last of my tears. I plodded heavily to Blake’s room. What used to be Blake’s room I corrected myself. It was exactly the same way it was the day he died. Toy’s scattered randomly on the floor, some change on his dresser next to an empty candy wrapper. I had tried once, about a month ago to start to pack up his things in boxes. Eden had come upstairs and saw what I was doing. She had grabbed the box I was holding in a fury and took everything out of it. “These are HIS things!” She spat in my direction. I said nothing. I just stood there. I watched my sweet wife’s face contort in rage and grief and I just stood there. Eden’s eyes suddenly got wide as she stared at my hand. It was dripping blood. The flap of the box had cut my palm when she had grabbed it out of my hands. “Kane” Eden said, looking at me as if she was seeing me for the first time. “I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” Eden fell to the floor and started wailing in a way that only a grieving mother could. The keening grief-stricken noise startled me out of my stupor and I fell to the floor beside her and gathered her in my arms. “Shh” I cooed into her hair. “It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.” I told her but even I didn’t believe my words. I didn’t believe that anything was ever going to be ok again. That was the last time I ever touched anything in my son’s room. Eden was in Blake’s bed as I knew she would be. I didn’t try to wake her. She slept so little these days. I stood there and stared at my wife’s face for a moment. There were lines at the sides of her mouth and eyes now that weren’t there 10 months ago. Grief lines I thought. She was still beautiful. The most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on and I couldn’t help feeling that she was slipping away from me. Or maybe I was slipping away from her? Did it even matter? I loved her so much that my heart ached with need of her. We had been married 12 years now and each day with her was a gift. “I’m so sorry” I whispered to her sleeping form. I crept from the room silently and eased the door closed. I headed for the shower on autopilot. My guilt weighed so heavily upon me that if felt as if I had gained 100 pounds overnight. I should have been paying better attention. I should have watched Blake more carefully. I should have seen the car. Did Eden blame me? I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I certainly blamed myself. I had failed my family and I don’t think I could ever be forgiven for that. I scrubbed last night’s nightmare away in the shower and tried to fortify myself for the workday ahead. I could hear Eden in the kitchen now as I got dressed. Damn. I was hoping she would be able to sleep a little longer. She needed it. We both did. I went to the kitchen, fully dressed in my security uniform. I had taken a month off from my job at the hospital after the accident. I could have taken more time but I couldn’t sit in that sadness any longer. I was better if I was moving, doing something. Eden was putting away dishes from the dishwasher. She had lost weight these past few months. She looked frail and vulnerable to me. “Morning” I said softly so as not to startle her. “Hi baby. Sleep ok?” My stomach still did a little flip when she called me baby, even after all these years. “Yeah it was ok. You?” She turned back to her task not quite meeting my eyes as she said “It was ok. You know.” “Yeah I know.” I replied sadly. I took a few hesitant steps toward her. How was it that I lived with this woman, slept with this woman, was married to this woman and still she felt like a stranger sometimes now? I took her arm and turned her around. She looked at me and her eyes pleaded with me for answers I didn’t have. I leaned forward to kiss her goodbye and she turned her head so that my lips grazed only her cheek. “I’m gonna be late. I’ll see you later ok” She nodded and squeezed my hand. I turned to walk out of the kitchen and stopped. “Eden?” I said not turning back around. “Hmm?” I heard her reply absently. “I love you; you know?” At first there was only silence. Just when I thought she wasn’t going to answer at all I heard a whispered “I know.” I nodded once and walked out the front door and headed to work.

  CHAPTER TWO

  EDEN

  I could still smell him my little boy. He had smelled like the air after a spring rainstorm. If I stood still in the middle of his room, closed my eyes and really concentrated I could still smell him. The scent was getting fainter as time went on though and I knew that someday, someday soon it would fade away forever and I will have truly lost him. Kane had just left for work. I was glad for that and felt so incredibly guilty because I was glad. When I had awoken in our bed at around midnight, only an hour after I had finally fallen asleep, I could tell that Kane was in the throes of another nightmare. I watched her change from peaceful to horrified as the tears tracked their way down her face. I wanted to help her. I wanted to save her from the demons that had haunted her since Blake had left us but I couldn’t. How could I help her, forgive her, when I couldn’t even do that for myself? When I was pregnant with Blake, I would rub my belly and sing You are my Sunshine whenever he started kicking me and he would calm right down. I sang that song to
him every night of his life. He was my little boy, my sunshine and now he was gone. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to live without him? I really don’t know how my body even remembers to breath. Sometimes, in the darkest corners of my mind I wish it would forget and this pain would end. A parent should never have to bury their child. Our hearts were not meant to sustain that kind of damage. I wanted to lean on Kane, I did. I wanted to talk to her about our son, to grieve with her I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to put words to the fact that my baby was gone. I knew Kane was hurting just as much as I was. There were times when I just wanted to fall into her arms and have her hold and comfort me. There were other times, dark times, when I blamed her for Blake’s death. I felt such shame during those times. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t Kane’s fault, I knew that. I also knew that she blamed herself every second of every day. I wanted to be there for her. To scream that there was nothing she could have done. To tell her that I loved her with everything that I am and will ever be. I couldn’t. There were too many emotions at war within me. All of this turmoil and if I let go my tight rein on any of it, I feared I would go mad. If that happened, I wasn’t at all certain there would be a return to sanity. Kane pretended to be so strong, so formidable but I know her heart. On the inside she was as fragile as the wings of a butterfly. It was one of the reasons I had fallen in love with her so many years ago. As a wife I felt that I was failing miserably. As a mother… could a woman still be considered a mother if she no longer had a child? In my heart I would always be Blake’s mother, but I couldn’t protect him like a mother should and I lost him. The day of the accident I had woken up in the morning and felt happy. Isn’t that weird? The day my son died had started out happy. I can’t help but wonder now why I didn’t feel a foreboding or darkness that day. Silly I know, but aren’t mothers supposed to have some sort of sixth sense when it comes to their children? Shouldn’t I have sensed something on that sunny summer morning? I had carried this child inside of my body for nine months. I brought him into this world. Shouldn’t I have sensed something on the day that he left it? The sun had warmed me in our bed I remember. It was such a pretty day and I was eager to start a new painting I had been contemplating. I was fortunate enough to be able to sell my work and remain a stay at home mom. Neither Kane nor I had wanted to put Blake in day care. Kane had had the day off and of course Blake was out of school for summer break. I smiled thinking of making and enjoying breakfast with my little family, but I knew Kane. She had beat me to it. I swear that woman never slept in. As I rose out of our comfortable bed, I smelled coffee and bacon. “God, I love that woman” on cue my stomach rumbled and I hurriedly threw on my paint spattered work clothes and went downstairs to have breakfast with my wife and our son. Kane was talking to Blake about buying him a new baseball glove for little league. “I have some errands to run, but we can stop by the sporting goods store after and pick one out today, if you want to come with me.” That. That was the moment that set our fates on this tragic turn. If I had known I could have screamed NO and turned over the breakfast table to get to him. I could have held him close to my chest and not let him leave the house that day. If I had known. Why didn’t I know? “Sure!” Blake had replied excided at the prospect of a day out with his mom and a new baseball glove. Food fell out of his mouth and back onto his plate. “Blake! Don’t talk with your mouth full!” I scolded him and saw Kane hiding a smirk behind her coffee mug. I gave her a mock glare and she quickly put down the cup. “Good morning my love.” Kane said as she rose to kiss me. I kissed her back and ruffled Blake’s hair. “Morning family, did you save any of that for me?” “Of course!” Kane jumped up to take a full plate out of the oven where it had been kept warm. “Mmmm” my mouth watered as I took the plate and sat down to dig in. “I’m starving” I said as I took the first forkful. “Mommy! Don’t talk with your mouth full!” Blake crooned with a smile. Kane full out guffawed at that. “That’s enough out of you!” I said to my son who was looking quite proud of himself. He had recently turned nine years old and would soon be taller than I was. I secretly loved that he still called me mommy. I hoped that he always would. How could I have known that was the last time I would ever hear him say it? It’s funny, we never know the last time is in fact the last time. But I didn’t know and I let him and Kane walk out of the house that day looking forward to some time to myself to work. I never saw my baby alive again.

  CHAPTER THREE

  KANE

  I had just sat down for the first time four hours into my shift when I heard “Code Yellow” announced overhead. Combative patient. Great I thought as I stood and threw my drink in the trash. I glanced out the floor to ceiling windows on my way to the Emergency Room. The sun was shining bright in direct opposition to my mood. I thought about Eden and hoped she was ok. Sometimes, I thought she was glad when I left the house for the day, that thought was endlessly painful. I wished fervently that she would talk to me. I wished I could talk to her. What could I say though? I’m sorry I got our son killed? I apologize for not watching him better? I’m sorry I was so wrapped up in whatever it was I was doing that I never saw the fucking car? My anger spiked as I reached the ER just as the patient took a feeble swing at a nurse. I leapt into action grabbing him from behind in a choke hold. I put my foot into the backs of his knees and as he collapsed, I rode on top of him down to the concrete floor. It was excessive and I knew it but didn’t care. My vision went red and I no longer felt in control of my own body. I was so angry. I had never lost control like this before in my fifteen years on the job. I came back to my senses when I felt my partner and supervisor that day, Caleb, pulling me off of the patient. “KANE! He can’t breathe!” Caleb screamed and pulled me backward by my shoulders. I lost my balance and landed on my ass about 2 feet back. The roaring in my ears finally abated and I could hear the gasps of the people who had by now surrounded us. Caleb helped the patient to his feet as I slowly rose to my own. “He’s fine” Caleb said to me and I nodded my head in acknowledgement. I was stunned at my own behavior. I remained standing there in the ER lobby as those around me went back to what they had been doing. I needed some air. I walked quickly to the exit doors, neither looking left or right. As soon as the air hit my face the last of the cob webs cleared away. I felt light headed and so I sat on a bench and put my head between my knees. What the hell was happening to me? I had dealt with scores of patients just like that one, many of them much worse and I had never lost my temper like I had just now. A sheen of sweat covered my body and it wasn’t from the physical exertion or the heat of the sun. I still felt dizzy and my chest suddenly felt as if it had a heavy weight on it making it hard to breathe. My fingers went numb and I had a sudden need to get up and get away. Maybe I was having a heart attack. Wouldn’t that be fitting. I paced back and forth quickly. My body was screaming for me to run. Run anywhere, get away. My brain, thankfully remained somewhat rational and I knew I was most likely having an anxiety attack. It wasn’t my first, but it had been awhile. I used to have them often when I was younger. Before I had met and fallen in love with Eden. When Eden had come into my life something inside me just, settled. I felt calm and safe for the first time ever. I hadn’t had an attack since then. Until now that is. Not even on the day of the accident.

  I had so much to do that morning but I knew that Blake really wanted to play little league that year and he needed a glove. My son and I had sat at the breakfast table discussing our plans for the day and waiting for Eden to join us. When she finally did, I stared at her for along moment. Even in her old paint encrusted clothes she was stunning. She absolutely took my breath away. I think I fall in love with her all over again each morning. I watched her and our son joke back and forth with each other and I felt so incredibly lucky and blessed. By the look of Eden’s attire, she was planning on working today. Even more reason to take Blake with me. Besides, he was excited and I loved that he wanted to spend time with me. I knew that soon enough he would be a teenager
and much more interested in spending time with his friends. Well, I was sure of that inevitability that morning. Blake would never become a teenager. He would never go to parties, have a girlfriend, get married or have children of his own. Blake would never make it past that day. That day when the sun was shining and I felt so lucky.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  EDEN

  I wandered around the house aimlessly after Kane had left for work. I cleaned here and there even though it really didn’t need it. I tried to paint. No, that’s not exactly true. I picked up a brush, stared at the blank canvas and just as quickly put the brush back down. I hadn’t been able to work at all since the accident. The painting I had started the morning Blake died still sat on the easel, half-finished taunting me. I just didn’t feel that creative spark anymore. Maybe it had died with Blake. I had no desire to create anything of beauty any longer. What was the point? In a world so ugly that it would take a beautiful little boy away who just happened to step off a curb at the wrong time. What kind of world, what kind of God does that? That is what my world had become now. Ugly and dark and cruel. I no longer wanted to contemplate anything in that world, beautiful or otherwise. I merely existed now. Not really a part of anything anymore. I preferred to remain numb to it all. To feel that pain again…I couldn’t do it. So, numb I stayed. I wandered out of one day and into the next not really paying much attention to any of it. I didn’t care, except for Kane. Oh Kane, I’m so sorry I can’t be present with you right now. I do love you and I, I’m just so sorry. Just then the phone rang and startled me out of my reverie. I stiffened in fear at first and the phone continued to ring remembering the frantic call I had received from Kane that day. I had been in the middle of painting when the phone rang. At first, I wasn’t even going to answer it, not wanting to break my concentration. After the fifth ring though I sighed and set down my brush. Besides, I had had this unexplainable niggling in my gut that told me that I should answer. I wiped my hands on a rag and reached for the phone. “Hello?” I said in a sing song voice with a smile. My smile disappeared quickly when I heard the panic in Kane’s voice. As soon as she said my name, I knew that something was very very wrong. “EDEN.” I nearly dropped the phone. “Kane? What is it? Where’s Blake?” I had known that something horrible had happened to Blake. There was nothing else that could put that tone in Kane’s voice. “Eden, I need you to meet us at the hospital. There’s been an accident.” There’s. Been. An. Accident. How many countless tragic figures through time had had their lives forever altered after hearing that phrase? “Kane? Where’s Blake?” My voice shook. “He’s with me. We’re in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Just meet us there.” And that was it. She hung up. I remember thinking that may have been the first time since I had met her that she had ended a conversation without saying I love you. What a strange thing to think about at that time. I quickly slipped into my sneakers, grabbed my car keys and was out the door without so much as even grabbing my purse. I don’t even remember the drive to the hospital. What I do remember is that it seemed to take an eternity to arrive. When I finally did pull up to the emergency room doors, I jumped out of the car leaving the engine running and the keys in the ignition. I didn’t care what happened to it, I just needed to find my family. I ran to the triage desk and nearly screamed my sons name. Before the startled nurse could even answer me, I heard Kane say my name from somewhere behind me. There was something about her voice and the broken way she called to me that I knew. I knew everything. I still told myself though that if I stood very still and didn’t turn around that none of it would be true. I made deals with every God I could name in that moment. This had to be some horrific nightmare and I would wake up soon and I would tell Kane all about it and she would comfort me and say that it was just a dream. Everything was alright. I heard Kane call to me again, closer this time. I closed my eyes. “Please wake up.” Kane’s hand landed on my shoulder. I still refused to turn around. “Eden. Sweetheart.” That did it. I turned around and felt myself enveloped in Kane’s arms. I shook her off. “Where’s Blake? Where is our son?” I looked at Kane’s face and knew. She couldn’t say it out loud, but I knew all the same. “I want to see him.” I said almost calmly. Kane was crying now but I had nothing in me to comfort her right then. “Eden, I don’t know if...” “He’s my CHILD. Take me to him now!” My voice broke on the last word and Kane knew I was teetering on the edge of some abyss. She wiped her face with her hands resolutely and nodded. “ok” she whispered. A sympathetic nurse walked up to us and simply said “follow me” and so we did. We bypassed the busy ER patient area and walked down a long hallway. It seemed endlessly long to me, and why were the lights so dim? I didn’t like it that the lights were so dim. Blake was afraid of the dark. Kane had been holding my hand the entire way. I remember her hand felt dry and ice cold. Why was her hand so cold? We finally came to a closed door with the number three on it. That used to be my favorite number. Now I hated it. The nurse stopped in front of the door and turned to us. “Take all the time you need.” Kane thanked her, I said nothing at all. The door was a sliding one with a frosted glass front. I stared at my own hand on the handle. I knew that once we entered that room, our lives would be forever changed. I did not want to go through that door. I fervently wished then, and still do now, that life had a rewind button. Just that once. I took a deep breath and slid the door open. The room was dark except for a single light above the gurney. It was like a spot light shining down on the body of my son. I heard Kane gasp behind me but I could not pry my eyes away from Blake. He looked so small lying there. So impossibly small. I walked slowly over to the gurney and took Blakes little hand. It was cold. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kane fall to her knees at the foot of the bed, hang her head and sob. I couldn’t comfort her. Not then. I leaned down and kissed Blake’s forehead. “It’s ok. Mommy’s here.” Kane cried harder at that. I didn’t look at her. Only Blake. I ruffled his hair one last time and began to sing softly to him. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.”